Originally posted Nov. 13, 2011, at Nachfolge. Republished with permission of the author.
My earliest memories of church revolve around two things. I was 4 when the “Lutheran Book of Worship” was published, so I remember the old, worn, red “Service Book and Hymnal” giving way to the new green book.
I think I learned to read going to worship with my family. I know I learned to sing in church. I remember standing and singing, first on the pew, then at my parents’ side, holding the book and saying the creeds, the Lord’s Prayer, the wonderful hymns. “Earth and All Stars!;” “Children of the Heavenly Father;” “Love Divine, All Loves Excelling” — these are some of my happiest early memories.
That’s one thing I remember. The other? Being regularly dragged out of church by my parents for misbehaving. Dreading Sunday mornings and getting dressed up, knowing at some point I would be in trouble. Not wanting to go to church at all.
Now I’m the parent
Today I’m living the flip side of the equation. After putting up with three weeks of wrangling our daughters in church, catching snippets of readings and hymns between snacks and dolls, missing entire chunks of sermons while settling sharing fights, I dragged our oldest out of church and left her in the “cry” room by herself. I’d had it.
On the way home, Beloved looked at me and said, “You know, when you were telling the girls to behave, you got some looks. I know you’re frustrated, and I’m not worried about anything, but you need be aware how it looks.” I spent the rest of the afternoon worried that people would think I’m abusing my kids — and wondering, what are we supposed to do?
Our girls are normal kids. Five minutes after worship was over, they were downstairs for Sunday school and happy as clams. On the way home, they talked about God and Jesus.
Ainsley believes Jesus lives in her heart. Alanna can’t let us go without hugs and “I love you.” But we struggle with worship.
Other parents can keep their kids in the sanctuary. They quietly play and don’t crawl all over the place.
Not ours.
It’s a struggle for us, and we don’t really know what to do about it. I suppose, like my own parents, we could just hold on through these tough times and wait for them to grow out of it like my brothers and I did.
But I don’t know if I want to wait that long — and I don’t know if that would be the healthiest way to do it, anyway. Somewhere in the midst of raising our kids, we need to tend our own faith, and spending an hour each week wrangling our kids in the back pew isn’t going to cut it.
The battle for faith
You know the saying that is commonly attributed to the Scottish pastor, John Watson: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” Well, let me borrow it and alter it just a little bit: Be kind to frazzled parents in church, for they are fighting a great battle for their faith and the faith of their children.
You might think their kids are poorly disciplined.
You might think Dad’s got a bit too much anger in his voice when he corrects them.
You might wonder why they need 14 different books and seven bags of different kinds of cereal just to get through an hour in the pew.
You might wish they wouldn’t crawl under the pews like that.
Did you ever stop to give thanks that they were there in the first place?
Making the hard choice
The easy alternative is a Sunday morning at home in front of the television — but parents of rambunctious church kids are making the hard choice for the sake of their kids. Have a little bit of pity.
Remember, if it applies, when you were there with your own kids. Be merciful — they will be thankful for your understanding. After all, rambunctious kids in church can grow up to be passionate adults in church. I should know; I’m one of them.
Find a link to Scott Johnson’s blog, Nachfolge, at Lutheran Blogs.
You might also want to read:
Savvy insights on children’s sermons
Sharing God’s love with children
An unconventional ministry
I applaud the parents who pull their kids out of church for misbehaving. The parents who drive me nuts are the ones who let their children run up and down the aisles during service, or who make noise during the sermon even after they're old enough not to.
'Remember what it was like when you were a kid' doesn't work so well, either, precisely because I do remember that my parents didn't let me get away with ramming around during service.
I'm one of those parents that have two "rambunctious" kids. While I don't allow them to run up and down aisles and climb all over the place, it is a weekly struggle to get them to be quiet, listen, and learn. They're only 5 and 2, so I'm not expecting perfection.
Thankfully, my church's congregation is void of many kids and the congregation itself welcomes all children and actually find it funny to see my struggles. I'm sure they're comparing their own experience in the past to mine now. I'm thankful for the congregation's understanding and compassionate nature and with their understanding, I'm not afraid to bring my kids to service each week.
This is what we post in the beginning of our church bulletin. I would like to take credit for it but I stole it from a good Catholic church here in Anchorage. Pauperism is the highest form of compliment
Children
To the parents of our young children, may we suggest:
• Relax! God put the wiggle in children; don’t feel you have to suppress it in God’s house. All are welcome!
• Sit toward the front where it is easier for children to see and hear.
• Sing hymns loudly, pray, and voice the responses with enthusiasm. Children learn behavior by copying you. If you are fired up about God, they will be too!
• Remember that the way we welcome children in Church directly affects the way they respond to the Church, to God, to Christ, to one another. Let them know that they are at home in the Church.
• Teach Children some of the basic prayers, being able to join in with the prayers helps them feel they are contributing too. Attend worship often, children like and need routines where they can participate.
• Children are invited to participate in communion where they learn that God loves them.
To the members of the parish:
A smile of encouragement is always welcome to parents with small, active children. The presence of children is a gift to the church. They give us a future filled with hope.
One suggestion for families: sit up front where the action is! Your children will be able to see what is going on, and you can explain in whispered tones about the various parts of the service. Our congregation provides busy bags filled with paper, stickers, crayons and pencils. Patience and understanding on the part of fellow congregants goes a long way!
@Dan - AMEN! I am constantly trying to reassure parents that it is ok if their children wiggle and color and sneak out of the pews. Of course, it makes sense if they leave if their child is crying and all, but for parents to see the 'acceptance' in print like that...it must go a very long way!
@Renee...That's my point. You don't let your kids run up and down the aisles. You're trying to teach them proper behavior in church. That's what I want to see out of parents with kids. Many, many parents do this, and do it well.
The first thing to teach kids about church is that God loves them. The second is that we, the children of God love them. All else flows from that. If they don't feel welcome, they will never get the loved part. As a pastor who was a single father for 7 years with three very rambunctious kids, understanding and help went further to convey the Gospel than any words. If you see a single parent who is having trouble with multiple children in church, go and talk to them, be reminded of when you had your hands more than full and ask if you can be any help like sitting with them and looking through a story Bible or some picture book during church when they get restless. Let the children hear the song in their head, Jesus loves me this I know, for God's people show me so....
when i was 16, after attending church almost every Sunday of my life, a pastor (not a Lutheran) in the pulpit said "starting next Sunday please leave all children under the age of 8 in the nursery so others can enjoy the service "I looked at my mother and said "that is not what my bible says" and I walked out of church. It was many years before I attended church regularly. We now take 2 great granddaughters almost every Sunday, the oldest for 8 years, there have been times i would like to crawl under a pew with their actions but now they stand and sing, know the creeds and prayers, take communion and attend Sunday School.
Our church has a family-friendly service where they have changed the order of the liturgy to begin with a children's sermon, communion, and then the kids go off to Sunday School leaving the parents to enjoy the remainder of the service. Of course, when my son was a toddler we still missed quite a few Sundays while he got over his need to scream in church, but eventually he was happy to climb under the chairs and play with his cars. Nobody blinked. You might want to look for a more kid-friendly worship community (or suggest that yours change one of its services). I love the message Dan posted, too. :)