Originally posted Jan. 27, 2013, at Aging And The Church. Republished with permission of the author.
To matter, to sense that your being “here” makes a difference in life, is a state of mind, your mind, that affects your life and well-being.
A problem with this brief understanding of important personal meaning is that life has so many different circumstances. What matters at one point in your life can be very different from what matters most at another. Yet as you experience changes, you may not understand the helpfulness of doing some things differently — in order to regain your “sense of balance” so to speak. Furthermore, there are so many things that change as we grow older, that knowing what will matter most to us tomorrow is almost impossible.
We all know that to feel that “I matter” is important throughout our life, regardless of our means of evaluating “success”: expressions of parental love, a smile from a peer, a “well-done” from a teacher, a pay-check from our employer, a hug from our child, a promotion in our work, a comment of gratitude from a friend, an expression of appreciation by a colleague.
So how about this understanding!
Back in 1976, two psychologists published a remarkable research study. They randomly divided a group of 91 nursing home residents into two groups. In one group, residents were given the choice of having the responsibility of taking care of a small plant placed in their room. The other group was told that the staff would be taking care of their new plants. Results showed a significant improvement for the “I’m responsible” group on alertness, active participation, and a general sense of well-being that was not true for the group for which the staff took care of the plants.
If a person has a greater sense of well-being and active contribution because of the meaningful attention they give to a small plant, wouldn’t this same perception that one matters to friends, for instance, also increase well-being? The answer from research is a resounding “yes.” Being asked to help others, for instance, suggesting a sense that one has both the competency to help out and the opportunity for so doing is significantly correlated with well-being across one’s entire lifetime.
So trying to understand mattering is worth our time. Discovering how to increase a positive sense of mattering is worth our study. This is important not only because it will affect your own future, but, more importantly, almost immediately you will discover that mattering involves social interaction. Yes, you can increase your own sense of mattering by observing more astutely the forces in your life that seem to make a positive difference for you. But more importantly you can be the person that says something or does something that signals to others that they matter as well.
Find a link to Bruce Roberts’ blog Aging And The Church at Lutheran Blogs.
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Great article and insight. At 56 years of age and a life long Lutheran, that's why I feel it is so impotant for me to stand up and make my voice (and all the noise I can muster) be heard against the ELCA, Bishop Hansen and all those who supoort it's liberal, progressive political advocacy. I will not support same sex marriage! I will not support the church and it's endorsement of gun control in this country! I will not support the ELCA enviromental wacko views that cripple this country economically! The lack of support for Isreal and endorsement of groups like Hamas. These ideas and even the church itself, are destroying this country. For the sake of my 20+ year old sons, I refuse to go along. Liberals and progressives and socialists in the church can push back against me and others who share my ideas and opinions by calling us names...it does not matter as the truth will always prevail.
A wonderful benefit of living in the United States is our ability to believe differently than our neighbors, our children, our politicians and our fellow parishioners; and to speak up about those differences. This is true whether our beliefs are about religion, marriage, guns, immigration and life, or about the frequency of communion, the need for new Sunday school classrooms, the tenure of our Pastor, and the importance of an older adult ministry.
The problems come, from my perspective, when these gifts of democracy spill over into our struggle to sustain well-being for ourselves and those we care about. For so many older adults, our friendships are central to our health and “happiness”. With our friends we can be open, playful, supportive, give and receive care and love and share our faith. These are the essential ingredients of life. When we let the differences inherent in our belief systems break apart our friendships, everybody looses.
This blog meant to affirm everybody’s right to identify your beliefs, and also to plead for all of us to elevate our life-giving friendship-support above our differences. The lives you benefit may include your own.
Bruce
Dear Readers,
Before this LivingLutheran posting from my Aging and the Church blog recedes too far into blog-o-sphere history, I want to ask a question of any who pass by.
Why are there not more comments on the part of older adults who would like to see their church empower new resources that sustain the well-being of older adults? Everybody, including the church, has so much to gain.
Are all older adults in our congregations already so pleased with their church experience that there is no need for any of us to ask for more focus on the well-being of all older adults?
Do only those older adults who are already self-satisfyingly active respond online to questions and the opinions of others?
Do older adults who do see a need for the encouragement of more relational resource supported by the church feel that it is useless to try to make changes?
I’d like to hear what you think.
Bruce Roberts
An older person who is on the inside of aging looking out, not vice-versa.
I just this morning discovered LivingLutheran, and I am delighted to be able to participate in this online community. I am an "older adult," 66, to be exact, and would like to address your questions, Bruce. Speaking for myself,in response to the question why I haven't commented even though I'd like to see my/our church empower new resource that sustain the well-being of older adults -- First, I was unaware of this resource, and second, this also is the first time I've ever posted a comment online. I've read a lot of online comments on other websites, but haven't engaged in commenting because so many of these other sites seem to attract such rancorous commentary that commenting doesn't seem safe or helpful to me. This definitely is not the case with LivingLutheran, and thus my very first venture into online commenting!
As for resources for the well being of all older adults, it actually seems to me to be a more complicated question. For example, without having yet visited your blog on Aging and the Church, my personal situation is that I have been caring for my 90 year old mother (who has Alzheimer's disease) in our home for about a year and a half, and as she declines, I find myself spending most all of my time and energy at home. So online participation in the ELCA, such as through this site, feels "doable" in ways that are not as daunting as actual physical participation in my local congregation at this point in my life. (And I would say that currently I definitely am not at all satisfyingly active in my church. I would like to be much more active but just don't have the energy right now.) Thanks for your posting.
Dear Susan,
Your opening paragraph is so clear and so logical as an answer to my question about why are there not more posts re: older adults. Thank you.
Welcome to online commenting. It seems alarmingly easy, once one gets the hang of it.
Your comment about the polite tone of the conversations on the LivingLutheran is so true. Kindness is so importantly helpful.
Thanks too for describing your own situation. You model an openness, which is important at any age. But for us older adults, it becomes increasingly critical in part because it is so easy for us to become somewhat isolated, for reasons that are way out of our control.
It is my take that opportunities for reaching the ongoing church, like those provided by the LivingLutheran are helpful for us all, but are especially meaningful for people who are spending much of their time and energy at home (as you are). You can (and are) contributing to the necessary conversation among ALL older adults, enabling us to find a sense of well-being together.
Thank you,
Bruce
This comment today is from a wise and delightful older adult who makes things happen in her church. Today she talks about the potential in intergenerational programs. So true. Bruce
BOAT-ROCKING SENIOR WOMEN
Recently in a church retreat on quilting I sat by a mother of a young girl who expressed a need and desire to find someone to teach her daughter knitting. This age group wants to learn tatting, cross stitch, embroidery, and all the skills that skipped the generation their mothers are part of. My daughter-in-law pointed out that they could learn all these things on the internet, and I realized that these two generations certainly realized that, so I assume the social aspect is even more important than the learning aspect.
There are several great aspects to this possibility, among them the important one of asking senior women to teach these skills. How refreshing, to feel needed, rather than feeling the message is that you should attend church every Sunday, maybe sign up for a Bible study, and oh by the way, be sure to fill out your pledge card. In an age group that usually isn't aware of excellent skills they possess, it is wonderful to have praise for their handcraft abilities. That's why the show and tell aspect of these quilting retreats is so important.
Another thing is very clear. You can't wait for a church to start a program for (fill in the blank). You have to do it. When Jesus said, "Feed my lambs," He wasn't talking to the church council at (name of your church); He was talking to you and me, personally and individually. It is easier to sit and be quiet rather than rock the boat. We need more boat rockers, Bruce.
Sharon Roos